My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago today, for reasons that are a little too personal for the interwebs. It was a very difficult decision that still plagues me today, even though I know I made the right choice. We had been together for almost a year and a half. For all that time, I always had someone with me who loved me. Now I am single. And it is not easy. He was my first real relationship and I got very attached. I got very used to having him around. I got very used to having someone to hug and kiss me when I got home, to tell me they love me. Now when I come home, all I have is my (very cute and very loving) puppy. And she is not a cuddler. I eat dinner alone and usually watch TV or read until bedtime.
For a brief moment about a week ago, I thought things were starting to look way up. I was applying for a job at the Georgia Museum of Art as assistant curator and a very cute man that I've had a pseudocrush on for a LONG time agreed to have dinner with me. I thought my life was going to turn around and I would finally start living like an adult.
The job opening was filled before I could even complete my application. The very cute man and I had a lovely date...and I have not heard from him since.
I guess maybe my expectations were a little too high, not very realistic. I should not have gotten so worked up about the job and should not have expected ONE date to blossom into a beautiful and loving relationship (although, it would have been nice. he is very, very cute). And I probably should not have jumped right back into the dating world so soon. This whole dating thing with all its rules and such is not something I'm very good at. I'm very straight forward and honest and open about my feelings, which means I told this man I liked him and wanted to go out with him and called him the day after our date to tell him that I had a lovely time. Apparently, I broke about seven "rules" doing those two things. Which I did not think would matter to an almost 30 year old adult, but given his absence, apparently it does (and gawd I hope that very cute 30 year old man does not read this because if my chances with him were not already ruined, they would be after him this bleeding heart blog).
So now I'm back to where I was at the beginning of October. Listless, sad and so so worried that my life will be like this forever, alone with a dead-end job. I'm so afraid to put myself out there anymore because of the chance of being hurt again, which I'm not sure I could handle. There will be other jobs, there will be other very cute men, I know. I should be RELISHING this time of my life. I'm 25, I am college educated and very hard working. I'm smart and funny and at least mildly attractive. When my mom was 25, she had two children and was pregnant with her third. My only responsibility to another living thing is to feed my dog, take her out for walks, and scratch her belly everyday (which really isn't that different from having a boyfriend). I should be celebrating my independence! My ability to go out and do just about whatever I want! And I think I will reach that point, eventually. But right now, I'm still pretty low.
I will say, if I have only learned one thing from this experience thus far, it is that I have an excellent support system in my friends and family. No matter what I come to them with, they are there for me; they will (and have) dropped whatever it is they are doing and come to my side. I am truly blessed and lucky to have them in my life. I hope that through this, I can learn to be a better friend to those in need, like my friends have been to me.
My birthday is next week, and regardless of that last paragraph, I am very much afraid that I will spend next Thursday, at home, eating cereal for dinner.
He drank today. For some reason, he thinks that he can hide it from me. But I can always tell, there really is no point in even asking. Aside from the smell permeating from his body, he is much more talkative and his eyes can't seem to focus. I can always tell, its always the same. He came upstairs as I was getting ready to go to sleep; I asked (in a tone more bitchy than necessary) if he planned on continuing to pretend that he had done nothing wrong AND lied to me about it, repeatedly. He said nothing. I prodded, which lead to an argument. I told him that even though I had made several empty promises about kicking him out or breaking up with him if he drank again, one day, I would snap and remove him from my life for good. Like usual, he did not seem too perturbed by that. We argued a little more, resulting in no resolution and him taking a pillow and blanket downstairs and me making snarky comments like "start looking for apartments" and "I'm locking the door, don't bother trying to come back up here". I watched some TV in an attempt to wind down before going to sleep, but couldn't stop thinking about the situation.
Part of me feels like I should feel triumphant; that even though the argument didn't really come to any close, he is being "punished" by sleeping on the couch, while I get my super comfy bed all to myself.
Then the other part of me, the part of me that has been in love with him since pretty much the day we met, recognizes that while yes, I do have this big bed all to myself, I'm still sleeping alone tonight. No one to cuddle with, no one to kiss me goodnight and tell me they love me. Not having the comforting knowledge that even if we aren't touching at all when we're asleep, I have someone beside me who cares for me. And to think if this continues, the fighting, the lying, the not talking about the fighting and the lying, it may be a long time before I find that comfort again. That terrifies me. Maybe I'm just a brat who has gotten so used to having a boyfriend who is madly in love with me, that the thought of losing the little comforts he provides me is scary. Or more likely, I'm 24 and in the first real relationship of my life and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Either way, I will be sleeping on the left side of the bed, on my stomach, not moving around at all because I'm so used to him being on my right. I will be sleeping alone.
OMG how long has it been since I last wrote something!
I am currently taking my very last class as an undergrad and I met with my professor to discuss a bibliography for a project. Before leaving, I told her I was meeting with a career counselor and asked if there were any specific questions I should ask or fields I should inquire on. She told me of a few things, and said something to the affect of "you could go into publishing...well, actually
WRITING ISN'T REALLY YOUR FORTE
so maybe publishing isn't for you..."
I stared at her, mouth agape, not knowing how to respond.
I have seriously considered, upon graduating, keeping my college job as a cashier and focusing on writing a book, instead of pursuing a career in the field of art history. I would absolutely love to become a professional author and devote all my time to my creativity, organizing my thoughts and putting them out there for people to enjoy and possibly learn from or relate to. I've written my whole life, everyone in my family writes, and I just got a subscription to Poets and Writers magazine.
imagine my horror to hear that I'm not a good writer.
I do have to take into consideration that my professor has never read any of my CREATIVE writing and therefore was not commenting on my ability to write as I would like to and the way in which I feel I excel.
This is now my...fourth class with this specific professor and I have written COUNTLESS papers for her and made high grades on all of those papers; so how can she, purely on an academic basis, say I'm not a good writer? I obviously am a capable writer, but perhaps she feels that writing papers on art history would not be a career I would excel in? I don't know, I don't know why someone would ever phrase a statement like that or say that to someone who is about to go out into the world searching for a job and is probably terrified of that idea, I DON'T KNOW.
What I do know, is that WHEN I publish a book (not on art history), the dedication will read:
To Janice Simon, who once said to me, "Writing really isn't your forte."
And I will personally deliver a signed copy to her.
Let me begin by saying, I really don't have time to write this. I have a HUGE midterm tomorrow that I have not studied for, but I am so full of angst right now, I need an outlet, and talking with my drunk brother did not sate my desire for outrage.
The Georgia government has demanded that several of the Georgia University System schools cut budgets, DRASTICALLY. After UGA cut their budget drastically recently. They want more.
Of all the things to cut the budget of, EDUCATION IS YOUR CHOICE? Georgia already has such a poor education system and you want to take money away from people who have made the decision to get a HIGHER education? Made the decision to learn more about the world and people around them, which makes them not only more educated, but better people overall? People who sacrifice their time and money to spend four (+) years in order to become better people? It is already super difficult to get by in college, the government wants to make it more difficult?
How does UGA propose to cut costs? By firing professors, cutting programs that would force some students to transfer to other schools and by potentially closing the Botanical Gardens and cutting the budget of the Georgia Museum of Art so drastically that it could barely stay open. Oh, and possibly hiking tuition by over 70% and limiting the incoming freshman class.
No where in the proposal is anything mentioned about athletics. OK, I know, this is such a touchy subject, and I know I have very angry feelings about UGA's emphasis on SPORTS, but think about it for a second. Ok, so the UGA athletic department is primarily funded by revenue generated from those sports (how much did you pay for a Georgia/Florida ticket?) and whatever money is leftover goes back into the university system (however, I can't really tell after looking over their budget where exactly this money is being funneled into, all I could get is that UGA has an airplane), so I can't really say, "oh, let's cut out the athletic programs to save money", because they're pretty much self sufficient.
Think about those athletes. They are students. They have their education paid for and are pampered for four years (unless of course they get drafted early. Please see my previous blog about Matthew Stafford not needing a dictionary). Some of those athletes were admitted to UGA with a three digit SAT score and a 2.1 GPA. Why? Because they can throw a football/dribble a basketball/hit a volleyball/etc.
Where is our emphasis? If the freshman class is cut, who are we cutting? The kid who desperately wants to make a change for herself, learn more of the world, become a doctor/lawyer/teacher/etc? OR the boy who can throw a football and will look good in tight silver pants and probably won't even graduate? What about the people who choose to stay an extra fall semester just to have another football season? Those hungover jerks are taking up room (physical ROOM) that could be filled by bright young minds who are actually eager, yearning to LEARN.
THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY. What does my education mean now? Am I lucky that I got in when I did, with the HOPE scholarship and my program still intact? I already don't have access to the Georgia Museum of Art (because it is being renovated, which I'm sure cost millions of dollars which seems ironic now), meaning I don't have access to works of art and many many books that would further my education. What happens if that is taken away completely?
What is it going to take to make people stand up for education? People are ok with cutting art and music programs, and have been for a long time, will it just be when we stop teaching history and math that people will get angry enough to make a difference? What does this mean for my brothers and sister? What will their college experience be like, assuming that they will be able to have one? If I have children, what will be available to them? Will Mommy have to tell them stories of the days when I sat around all day, learning of Venetian art and dinosaurs? My opportunity to LEARN is a luxury, it is time that I stood up and defended that luxury.
Whew. I feel a little better. I may not even study for this art history midterm. If the government of Georgia doesn't want to support my education in art, why should I even bother?
As I celebrated Christmas with my family, I began to think about all of the traditions associated with Christmas. My mother asked me to sing a song for my family, which I did, and had a multitude of songs to choose from. Mom's house was covered in beautiful decorations, the tree, the lights, the wreath. We had a lovely dinner (and dessert!) and opened a few presents and then to bed until Christmas morn.
Christmas day played out much like Christmas Eve. More presents, huge breakfast, followed by general laziness by all. This was repeated at my father's house later in the evening.
The Christmas season got me to thinking about other holidays. Easter, Halloween, birthdays, Fourth of July. They are all surrounded by so many traditions and rituals. We sing, we eat, we get together with people we love. And then I thought, what about Thanksgiving?
What about Thanksgiving? It is the day we celebrate the bully behavior of the first American settlers for kicking off the natives so we could live here. We do get together with our families and we do eat, but what the hell else is there?
Take Halloween for example. Halloween is ALWAYS on October 31. Thanksgiving doesn't even have a set day, just an understood rule that its on some Thursday in November. Some people spend the entire year developing a costume to wear on Halloween; do we really get that dressed up for Thanksgiving?
And what about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? IT IS A PARADE DEVOTED TO ANOTHER HOLIDAY. Don't try and tell me that that parade is about Thanksgiving, it is clearly all about Christmas.
At least Easter gets a mascot. Does Thanksgiving have a mascot? The turkey? We EAT turkey on Thanksgiving. Do we eat rabbit on Easter? Or pumpkins on Halloween? NO.
What Thanksgiving songs are there? There is a song exclusively devoted to birthdays, what about that Thursday in November?
I understand that Thanksgiving is a good holiday, and one that should be celebrated, I just think it kind of got the short end of the holiday stick. All it really has are large ugly birds and Publix commercials. Time to step it up, Thanksgiving. Take back the parade!!! Sing some songs! Get a mascot that we don't devour! I would be thankful for that.