don't let me be lonely

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago today, for reasons that are a little too personal for the interwebs. It was a very difficult decision that still plagues me today, even though I know I made the right choice. We had been together for almost a year and a half. For all that time, I always had someone with me who loved me. Now I am single. And it is not easy. He was my first real relationship and I got very attached. I got very used to having him around. I got very used to having someone to hug and kiss me when I got home, to tell me they love me. Now when I come home, all I have is my (very cute and very loving) puppy. And she is not a cuddler. I eat dinner alone and usually watch TV or read until bedtime.

For a brief moment about a week ago, I thought things were starting to look way up. I was applying for a job at the Georgia Museum of Art as assistant curator and a very cute man that I've had a pseudocrush on for a LONG time agreed to have dinner with me. I thought my life was going to turn around and I would finally start living like an adult.

The job opening was filled before I could even complete my application. The very cute man and I had a lovely date...and I have not heard from him since.

I guess maybe my expectations were a little too high, not very realistic. I should not have gotten so worked up about the job and should not have expected ONE date to blossom into a beautiful and loving relationship (although, it would have been nice. he is very, very cute). And I probably should not have jumped right back into the dating world so soon. This whole dating thing with all its rules and such is not something I'm very good at. I'm very straight forward and honest and open about my feelings, which means I told this man I liked him and wanted to go out with him and called him the day after our date to tell him that I had a lovely time. Apparently, I broke about seven "rules" doing those two things. Which I did not think would matter to an almost 30 year old adult, but given his absence, apparently it does (and gawd I hope that very cute 30 year old man does not read this because if my chances with him were not already ruined, they would be after him this bleeding heart blog).

So now I'm back to where I was at the beginning of October. Listless, sad and so so worried that my life will be like this forever, alone with a dead-end job. I'm so afraid to put myself out there anymore because of the chance of being hurt again, which I'm not sure I could handle. There will be other jobs, there will be other very cute men, I know. I should be RELISHING this time of my life. I'm 25, I am college educated and very hard working. I'm smart and funny and at least mildly attractive. When my mom was 25, she had two children and was pregnant with her third. My only responsibility to another living thing is to feed my dog, take her out for walks, and scratch her belly everyday (which really isn't that different from having a boyfriend). I should be celebrating my independence! My ability to go out and do just about whatever I want! And I think I will reach that point, eventually. But right now, I'm still pretty low.

I will say, if I have only learned one thing from this experience thus far, it is that I have an excellent support system in my friends and family. No matter what I come to them with, they are there for me; they will (and have) dropped whatever it is they are doing and come to my side. I am truly blessed and lucky to have them in my life. I hope that through this, I can learn to be a better friend to those in need, like my friends have been to me.

My birthday is next week, and regardless of that last paragraph, I am very much afraid that I will spend next Thursday, at home, eating cereal for dinner.