Sunday, February 1, 2009

Does it light up?

Buckle up kids, this is going to be a long one.

In my honest efforts to date only LDS men instead of picking up a frat boy at a bar to fulfill my physical desires, I have not dated a lot of men.  There was Mike the physical therapist, Aaron the guyIwasntreallydatingbutspentthenightathishousealot and Miles, aka Stephen Colbert.  And probably a couple of other guys I'm probably forgetting. 

I've been on a lot of first dates.

There was also Derek.  Except I didn't really date Derek.  I met Derek in 2004 at a church dance or on an lds singles website or some other way Mormons desperately try to meet each other.  He is from a town in northwest Georgia, as I live in northEAST Georgia and so we didn't spend a lot of time together.  We did go to my stake's conference together, and that was fun and we totally wanted to kiss as we were saying goodbye but we didn't blahblahblah.  BUT, because we lived so far away from each other, nothing really happened.  We talked often online and called sometimes, but no real established connection.  

Cut to December, 2006.

Derek and I had been talking and we were discussing how we both really wanted to kiss each other back in spring 2004.  We then decided it would be a good idea to get together just to make out.  Since we lived so far away from each other, we didn't want to have any sort of relationship, but we did want to kiss.  Each other.  It was then decided that I would be the lucky one to drive all the way across the state for said ncmo.  I did, and it was fun, but I wasn't swooning or anything.

March, 2007.

I had decided that I would go to Charleston for spring break (ah the beginning of my love affair with Charleston...le sigh...) and Derek and I were talking and thought it would be fun if he went too.  It would be cheaper, I would feel safer with another person, etc etc.  SO we decided he would come here and we would go on a date to discuss it (ie see if we wanted to spend a few days together in a new city).

Let me interject something here. 

In 2004, I was pretty young and immature.  I though that if ANY lds guy paid attention to me, I should totally date him, because we were both Mormon, it would work out.  Don't get me wrong, I liked Derek, he was funny and cute.  Come 2007, though, 2007 was the year of Benjamin and women's studies and my super long hot hair.  2007 was a year of finding myself, who I was, what I wanted from myself and life.  I was more independent, more outspoken and more liberal and more stylish.  That being said, back to the March 2007 date.

The man showed up to my house wearing a leather blazer.  A LEATHER BLAZER.  "Do they even make those?", you ask?  Yes, they do.  He also got in my car and said "Do we really have to listen to Frank Sinatra?"  Ahhh helll no.  Needless to say, the date did not go well, and he did not go to Charleston with me.  Which was actually fantastic, I learned a lot about myself driving to a strange, new place, alone.  And I'm not saying that to sound CLICHE, I really mean it.  That trip taught me a lot.  But I digress.  

Now to the present, January 2008

I started thinking about Derek and how we never really went on a "real" date (which isn't really true, please see March 2007).  Our branch was having an activity, and I thought it would be fun if he came to be my date.  I even told him he could spend the night at my apartment if he wanted, because it was such a long drive home.  And so the fun begins.

I opened the door and all I saw was goatee and polo.  Keep in mind that by January 2008, I am in full democrat mode, my hair has grown back out and I'm ALMOST back to babe status.  I ain't got time for no goatee and polo.  On that poor grammar note, I had forgotten what a HICK Derek is.  I guess my 2004 naiveté had blocked that.  He is a sixth grade English teacher and talks like such a redneck.  Remember how I said that he could spend the night at my house?  I like to think of the night progressing in this pattern: Before he got there, he was going to sleep in my bed.  When I opened the door, he was sleeping on the floor.  He only gets further and further away from my bed as the night progresses.  

We had some time to kill, so we went to the zoo, where he made fun of Athens' small zoo which houses animals native to Georgia, which I honestly find fascinating.  We then went to dinner, where he didn't talk much. I tried SO hard to carry the conversation, asking him about his students, what he was teaching, comparing Italian grammar to what he was teaching.  Nothing.  Then, finally, we went to the institute to meet everyone else.  SALVATION.

The basketball game wasn't that bad.  I sat between him and Joseph Scott (the funniest man alive) and I spent more time talking to Joseph than Derek.  At one point, I asked Derek to go and get me a drink so that I could express to Mallori my dilemma of how to make him go home (Mal had met him in 2004 at stake conference).  We left the game and Steph wanted to go to Cali n' Titos.  Even though we had already eaten, and even though I knew I was going to make this man drive home and it was after 8pm (he lives about 3 hours away) I said yes we were going to A. delay the awkward "you can't stay here" routine and B. guava empanadas.  And then, what happened next, almost had me storming off, leaving him in an ambiguously Latin restaurant which he referred to as an "eyesore".  

The man pronounced the word "salmon" as SALLMAN.  HE PRONOUNCED THE "L" IN SALMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HE TEACHES SIXTH GRADE ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I publicly and loudly corrected him, making sure to sound as condescending as possible.  We sat down, where Stephanie, the genius that she is, asked Robbie if she could sit next to me, which led to me sitting as far away from Derek as possible.  We left at like 9:30 and drove back to my apartment, my mind reeling as to what I was going to say.  I was just going to say it in the car and get it over with.  We stopped, and before I took the key out of the ignition, he was out of the car.  Dammit.

He walked over to his trunk and I just blurted out, "I know I said you could spend the night here, but...." at which point I trailed off.  He then said, "Ok. I'll just get you what I brought you". About a month ago, he had told me he had something to give me.  He opens his suitcase and pulls out a Georgia cup.  Which pissed me off because anyone who knows me would know that would piss me off.  He said he won it at some teacher auction thing, and thought of me.  Inside the cup were some magnets, Georgia gum.  And a keychain.  Let me say, on our first "date" (stake conference) he brought me a keychain that had my name on it, because I had told him it was difficult for me to find keychains with my name on it.  This keychain, however, did not have my name on it.  

It said "kiss me".  

Panic.

"Does it light up?"  (what the hell,Bonnie).  

"I think it does, but I think you have to be a certain temperature."

Zing.

My response?

"May I offer you a caffeinated beverage?"

I have not heard from him since.  

That frat boy keeps looking better and better.  


6 comments:

mygirlfriendsjeans said...

Oh, Bonnie. I feel so sorry for you. My attempts at only trying to date Mormon boys have also been unsuccessful, but not quite to this level! The "sallman" thing would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, too. The non-Mormon ones (in my experience) are always more entertaining, more gentlemanly, and actually have a genuine interest in my off-beat ways. Obviously we're not meeting great Mormon men.

Shelley Nicole said...

You're pathetic, lol

Charlotta-love said...

1st: no wonder you wanted me to get off the phone.
2nd: I'm so sorry I didn't get off the phone.
3rd: 'Does it light up' AHAHAHA!!!

Ms. Stephanie said...

Bonnie, even though I lived part of that story with you, it was still a VERY entertaining way to spend my lunch break! Thanks for the laugh!

Adri said...

That is rough. Rough!!

Andre said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love you Bonnie. Your life is amazing! You keep me smiling always! we need to hang out this summer!